i wonder why we get off with sadness, pain, and all that falls with/matches misery. it's so easy. it's indulging. there, i answered my own inquiry.

the hiccups are not going away. it's been on and off for a full day now.

sometimes you know i can read you. most of the time i dont. maybe i try to pick up on the wrong things, and forget about the good ones. would have been nice to just chill for a while, let it all hang out, be easy.

this will take a toll, i hope i'm not sure about that. the temporariness of it all gets me sometimes.

starry night... 2:18 PM

kind of cool to know that there are people out there who care.

sometimes a blast to spend time alone.

equally a blast to spend time with family or friends.

50% sugar-free, the tropicana 50 orange juice.

almost pitchblack outside, save for the headlights and lamp posts.

heartbreaking.

starry night... 6:36 AM

sometimes i think about giving up because it's always the easier way. i don't see what you're going through. guess i'm that insensitive and selfish.

i'm afraid i'm getting numb. then it will all spiral down drain again. trying to hold on to whatever sanity is left. i'm in the cold. sometimes i wish i could just stay away because i'm causing so much pain.

it's times like these when everything seems closer to the end.

starry night... 3:28 PM

you know your friends are forever types when exchanges like these happen:

over leftover feast, vodka, and fundador:
pao: spaghetti at vodka
my: salad at leche flan
she: manok
tom: fundador
tin: lumpia
neng: wala.
all: ano sagot mo neng? wala? kapal ng mukha mo.

same leftover feast and inuman:
my: ninakawan yung boarding house namin. yung ayus kasi ng kama namin sa kwarto ganito (motions). tas naramdaman ko parang may humakbang saken tas punta na dun sa boardmate kong isa. buti nga wala namang nangyari samen at nanakawan lang. yung mga kasama ko kasi pag natulog ang dedaring (ng suot o walang suot).
tom: a hinakbangan ka. akala kasi nila baket may lalaki dito. laki ng braso mo.
all: oo nga. ang laki ng braso mo.

text message:
me: uy bakla mamaya ha 10pm ata yun
j: ok teh hinihintay ko lang matapos ang cleaning lady
me: sosyal malinis si bakla
j: teh payatas dumpsite na ang bahay ko teh

instant message:
me: teka mukhang walang entrance (fee, para sa isang gig)
m: pano tayo...
m: papasok
me: ah tama nga naman
me: ang sinasabi ko ay walang entrance fee
m:

starry night... 1:31 PM

15months ago there were no clear signs of what we will become after that kiss.

12 months ago, we went partying with two good friends. it was our first time to dance together, dance sleazy together hehehe.

9 months ago we "had a baby" via Facebook's Make A Baby.

in the next 3 months we'll spend vacation together. looking forward to the many more firsts. thanks to the last 15!

starry night... 7:04 PM

it occurs to you in the most seemingly unfit way. spinning. whirling. you look at it and you see nothing.

then a burst of colors. of emotions. of everything that is moving forward.

i want to say this now and i will always remember this all time: I LOVE MY LIFE!

starry night... 8:01 PM

You know sometimes I wish life was as easy as having a piece of chocolate, or just aligning an mounted frame, or just pouring your heart out without being judged.
Situations like these make me cry. I try to convince myself every waking hour that these are just trials. Without these, I wouldn't be strong. But it does get to a point when I want to give up. Oh sure I don't have the same gravity of problems as the rest of the world, but this is my reality. and i don't want to compare my reality to others because it wouldn't be fair and would not be just at any given point in time. different truths, different views.

I want to go to church and pray. But I can pray right here, in my cubicle. I've been praying a lot lately because I need help. I won't defend myself because i'm not religious nor spiritual. I just want to pray because it still comforts me to know that i'm talking to someone who will never judge me.

why do I feel like I am a failure? It really is easy to feel negative about everything because i allow myself to feel that way. i am entitled to sulking and wallowing. and i choose to wallow, to let these words flow.

i know im not worthy of a love like hers. i always fail to understand what her point is. i'm shallow. i'm insensitive. even when i've tried to change, the reaction is always the same, that whatever i'm changing is not working. sometimes i get the feeling that she tries too hard to get used to the fact that i will always fail her no matter what i do. i can't write now. i get stuck whenever i think about these things. maybe i dont trust myself that much, that's why i tend to put myself down all the time. it's a toss up between self pity or realizing that i'm really not good for anyone.

at night before i fall asleep, i always talk to god and say all the stuff that's been happening with me. then i always thank him for introducing me to someone who loves me despite the numerous shortcomings. and then i let him know that if her work is done with me, then let her grow. i can't promise that i won't go back to that self-destructive phase that i once had, but if it's time to let go, just tell me straight and i'll do my best to do just that.

it's difficult to let go when i know i've found all the things that i've been wishing for. who would want to do just that? but then again there's always taking into consideration what she wants. and if the time comes that she wants to leave, then it's my turn to give her what she wants.

i believe in karma. and all the things happening to me right now, in one way or another, operates on the level of karma. whether it be good or bad. i'm just here to accept whatever comes my way and make the best out of it.

starry night... 2:36 PM

ewan. di ko na alam. baket ba kasi nakikialam pa. may buhay naman na sarili. hindi naman kelangang magpaka-caring. kasi ang labas hindi caring. pakialamera.

ewan. siguro bossy lang din talaga. gustong masunod lahat ng gusto. baket ganon? kala ko na-outgrow na yun. baka hindi pa din pala. nagiimagine lang na nagmature.

ewan. kala mo naman lahat ng sabihin tama. hindi nga diba. may isip yung tao kasi. hindi lang ikaw ang nagiisip dito. anong kala mo bobo ang lahat ikaw lang matalino?

ewan. kasalanan ko naman. di na nga lang pwedeng magsorry. gasgas na yun e. iba naman. do something, ganyan. pag-aralang wag makialam, ganyan.

starry night... 12:45 AM